Chicks on the Right
80s Heartthrob John Cusack Suffering from Terminal Case of TDS
(Manny Hernandez / Contributor / Getty Images)
Swollen-faced, unkempt, and prone to rageful outbursts, 1980s heartthrob John Cusack is a bloated shell of his former self, according to sources close to the actor.
The star of cult favorites like "Better Off Dead" and "One Crazy Summer" was once considered the most overrated and mediocre talent of his generation. While Cusack still holds that title, the phone doesn't ring nearly as often as before. When it does, it's generally a wrong number.
"Some guy called my number last week asking for 'Jane,'" Cusack said in a recent interview. "Who the hell is 'Jane' and why does he need to talk to her?'"
Cusack denied reports that the majority of his calls are misdials, however.
"The lies about my phone calls are outrageous," said Cusack. "A guy called me last month and we spoke for well over an hour. My new pavers are scheduled to be installed next week!"
No longer considered 'leading man material,' Cusack still makes appearances in film and television.
"I was an extra in a few scenes in that new Tarantino film," Cusack recently said on an episode of MTV's "What Ever Happened To?" adding, "Next month, I'm doing 'Celebrity Fit Club.'"
But while Cusack portrays himself as upbeat and optimistic, friends claim the truth is a much darker reality.
"I'm really concerned for his physical health and mental well-being," a former girlfriend told TDS Daily. "He's been spiraling downward into a cesspool of liberal madness for years, but the 2016 election really pushed him over the edge."
Insiders claim Cusack is suffering from an advanced case of Trump Derangement Syndrome - a disease of the liberal mind that is incurable and highly contagious to persons living on the West coast. The rapid progression of the illness will eventually result in the actor being placed in an institution for the diabolically insane, according to friends.
Born and raised in the democrat-controlled city of Chicago, Cusack has always been a bit of an outspoken liberal imbecile. In more recent years, however, the "Say Anything" actor has become even more vociferous in his unhinged, anti-capitalist rhetoric. Nowhere is this more apparent than on social media platform Twitter, where Cusack increasingly struggles to conceal the full extent of his political bias and descent into liberal madness.
"F*ck Trump!" Cusack yelled in response to a fan (though not of Cusack’s) at a Comic Con convention after he was asked about the record low unemployment, prosperity, and economic growth under Trump. "F*ck him! F*ck him! F*ck him! F*ck him! F*ck him! F*ck him! F*ck him! F*ck him!"
The Chicks on the Right discuss John Cusack's latest attack on President Trump, Republicans, and common sense in the clip below. Click to enjoy.
*Please Note: This article is 100% fiction, except for the stuff that's 100% true.