Canadian Dweeb Justin Bieber Challenges Tom Cruise to MMA Match

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Canadian Dweeb Justin Bieber Challenges Tom Cruise to MMA Match

Canadian Officials Move to Revoke Bieber's Citizenship #FakeNews

(Jackson Lee / Contributor / Getty Images)

 

So if you haven't heard, Justin Bieber is a bit of a tool. Yes, he's arguably a very talented tool, but a tool nonetheless.

From multi-platinum selling albums to peeing in mop buckets, Bieber is a bit of an enigma and difficult to categorize. For I say to you, how doth a meager writer such as myself possibly manage sum up the prolific talents and perverse exploits of this Canadian doofus with a mass following of "Beliebers?" I truly struggle to conjure up a single word definition for Mr. Biebs, although the term "douchebag" seems appropriate enough.

At any rate, "Bieber the Douche" has challenged the equally douchey and disturbed Tom Cruise to an MMA match! On Sunday, Justin Bieber (hereinafter referred to as "douche #1") challenged Tom Cruise (hereinafter referred to as "douche #2") to a fight in “the octagon," saying if douche #2 doesn’t accept the challenge of douche #1, he'll “never live it down.”

Is he nuts? Perhaps douche #1 is unaware of douche #2's Scientology superpowers? Yes, douche #1, your recent conversion to Christianity means you have God on your side, but douche #2 has Zenu in his corner AND the equally disturbed head of Scientology, David Miscavige (hereinafter referred to as "douche #3"). You wanna wind up in a Scientology prison camp getting probed?

Here's douche #1's tweet:

No response has been issued from douche #2 or douche #3, but the Canadian government is reportedly looking to revoke douche #1's citizenship and bar him from returning to his homeland in the future.

*Editor's note: Okay, so Canada is NOT really looking to revoke Bieber's citizenship, but I bet they'd like to if they could. 

The Chicks on the Right have additional details to savor and enjoy in the following clip:

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