CNN's Jake Tapper is a Delightfully Dweebly Doofus


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CNN's Jake Tapper is a Delightfully Dweebly Doofus

Tapper Inner Monologue: "Mom was right; my existence is proof that God does indeed make mistakes."

(Kirk Irwin/Getty Images)

Throughout history, the great prophets have long declared that one day, God would send a man into the world, and he would be known as "that incredible doofus at CNN, Jake Tapper."

For it was written that born unto a woman who would later change her deeply-rooted pro-life views and become a fierce proponent of forced post-birth abortion (provided the procedure is performed before the child reaches an age of 60 years), "Doofus Jake," as he would come to be known by his greatest admirers, would overcome adversity, lack of talent, and good taste, to one-day become the most prolific stain on American journalism since Clifford Irving.

Reflecting on the struggles of his youth, Doofus Jake shared some of his earliest childhood memories in a widely-panned interview with Barbara Walters that never occurred.

"Mom always told people that I wasn't her biological son; that I was adopted," we have no record of Tapper ever saying. "I think it was because she felt a great deal of shame over the fact that I had been birthed from her body. As I approached early adolescence, she took to telling friends I was hatched."

Tapper recalled one particularly poignant and heart-felt conversation he'd had with his mother on his 5th birthday.

"'Jake,' she said. 'Lots of other kids run away from home. Why don't you?'"

Tapper's mother, who asked that we not reveal her name for fear that the neighbors would discover her true identity, told us she was grateful for the opportunity to tell her side of the story. 

"You have to understand that I was very young and naively believed that God didn't make mistakes, that all children were blessings. I simply had no understanding of the devastation that would occur as a result of my decision to have reckless, unprotected sex with Jake's father, whose name I can't recall."

Tapper's Mom expressed extraordinary regret when we never spoke to her by phone this afternoon, and pleaded for forgiveness for what she had done.

"I'm just so, so sorry for how my actions have damaged the quality of CNN's programming and the profession of journalism," she said. "Please forgive me; I knew not what I did."

The Chicks on the Right delve further into the world of Jake Tapper's douchery in the following clip:

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