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Dear Apple: I Hate You

Why The Cult of Apple is Harder to Leave Than Scientology

(Xanya69/Getty Images)

Dear Tim Apple:

Many years ago, when I was an innocent and vulnerable teenager who was simply seeking direction in the vast world of computers, I was recruited by one of your "Cupertino Witnesses" for the cult of Steve Jobs. 

I was young and naive. I bought into the hype. I joined your group of arrogant, elitist, brainwashed, black shirt and blue jeans wearing Apple fanboys without a moment of hesitation. In the end, it was a decision I would come to regret more than my first marriage - and THAT b**** killed my dog! 

I've owned iPhones, iPads, Macbooks, Macbook Pros, Macbook Airs, Apple TVs, Earpods, Airpods, iPods, Magic Mice, and Airport Minis and Airport Extremes. I'm locked into your ecosystem for life now with no chance of escape. Like Scientology or the Hotel California, once you're "in" the Apple cult, you can NEVER leave. You're stuck. You're trapped. You're f***ed.

Look, there was a time when your products were superior, free of glitches, safe from viruses, had working keyboards, and made PCs look like something from Fisher Price. Then you decided to expand your product line in 150 different directions, let quality control go in the toilet, and forced consumers to adopt YOUR "no SD slot, no USB slot, and by the way, here's our s***ty keyboard," philosophy - even if it meant buying 100+ adapters, dongles, and developing other workarounds to make your "superiorly crafted crap" work right. 

When did "Think Different" become "Think The Way WE Tell You to Think"? When did "We value our loyal customers and appreciate your patrionage" become "You don't like the way we do things now? Tough s***!" 

I'm sick of updates that break six things for every ONE thing they 'fix.' I'm sick of having to make an appointment four days in advance to give you $3,000 for a laptop I could get from Dell for $800. I'm sick of preppy-looking 'geniuses' at your elitist 'genius bar' who know less about my Macbook than my three-year-old daughter. Most importantly, I'm sick of your refusal to address hardware and software issues until you're hit with a class action lawsuit. 

We began our relationship in the late 1990s. I promised to be a loyal customer; you promised to create, build, sell, and support SUPERIOR products. One of us didn't hold up their end of the bargain, and I assure you it wasn't me. 

Alas, we're unfortunately stuck together. Why? Because I blindly bought into the Apple ecosystem years ago, and now you've permanently got me by the balls. You'll keep cranking out overpriced crap and I'll keep buying it like the pre-programmed iSucker that I am until someone from Dell or HP stages an intervention and saves me from my misery.

Rob Kendall and I discussed the hell that is my relationship with Apple in the clip below. Click to enjoy. It should play fine - as long as you're accessing it on a PC, that is.

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