Chicks on the Right
"Hooking Up" with Elves is a Thing Now
Sex with elves and glittery sperm? Humanity is screwed.
Yes, the Chicks on the Right are masterful sleuths, finding stories of the most degenerate and bizarre behavior, hobbies and fetishes of the sick and twisted pervs in our world. But Tuesday's tale of a woman who has sex with elves has truly achieved an all new standard in the category of WTF.
According to renowned and highly-respected media outlet The Sun, a woman has confessed to their editorial staff that she has sex with ELVES, revealing they have "glittery" sperm and are "very flexible".
Hallgerdur Hallgrimsdottir, who said she was an elf sex expert and has even written a book called Please YoursELF, boasted she had "loads of orgasms" while enjoying love-making with elves.
"Sex with humans is boring," the Icelandic artist revealed.
"Elves sort of know what you want in bed. They don't need to ask what you want, they can read your mind and maybe even know better of what you want than you do which is very incredible."
She was full of praise for elves' nimble bodies.
"They are very flexible so can use potions which would not be possible as human beings," Hallgerdur recounted.
The Chicks on the Right managed to find the one wholesome nugget that all men should celebrate as a result of this woman's story:
"See guys? Size doesn't matter. So stop stealing the measuring tape from your wife or girlfriend's sewing kit and using it to assess the size of your junk."
"Do guys really do that?"
"I'm pretty sure Producer Rob Kendall does that."