(Mireya Acierto / Contributor/Getty Images)
Hi there, I’m Chris Hansen. I used to be Chris Hansen. You may remember me from the television show “To Catch a Predator” where I portrayed the character of “Chris Hansen.”
I used to make a living busting perverts, creeps and weirdos who wanted to have sex with 12-year-olds, and I always concluded my special little visits with the aforementioned pervs by saying, “There’s something you need to know: I’m Chris Hansen.”
Of course, that was the OLD Chris Hansen. I’m the NEW Chris Hansen. I miss the old Chris Hansen. The old Chris Hansen made lots of money, won Emmys, had a key to the executive washroom at NBC, and when out in public, people would always come up to him and ask, “Hey! Aren’t you Chris Hansen?” And because he was Chris Hansen, he would reply, “Yes! I’m Chris Hansen.” Then they would ask for his autograph and he would write “Best Wishes, Chris Hansen.”
True story: the old Chris Hansen once jokingly signed an autograph as “Dan Rather,” which was funny since he was really “Chris Hansen.” Nobody laughed, however, so he scratched out “Dan Rather” and then signed it “Chris Hansen.”
Hey! Wanna see a montage of Chris Hansen telling perverts that he’s Chris Hansen?
The old Chris Hansen was a successful broadcaster who regularly paid his bills on time and had an 800+ credit score. That’s not the case with the new Chris Hansen. The new Chris Hansen was recently arrested for bouncing $13K worth of checks, and as it turns out, the new Chris Hansen’s financial situation is worse than the new Chris Hansen previously let on.
Here’s a quick rundown of all the debts owed by the new Chris Hansen:
- $57,931.72 to American Express
- $126,356.35 to TD Bank
- $15,000 to Ally Financial
- $1,078,164.73 to US Bank Trust
- $250,000 in back taxes
- $13,000 in bounced checks for marketing materials
I also haven’t tipped my doorman in three years and I regularly “dine and dash” in circumstances where an escape route is readily accessible. I might be a star, but I’m not above slipping out a restroom window if the final bill warrants it.
Speaking of my doorman, did I tell you that I, the new Chris Hansen, was recently evicted from the old Chris Hansen’s NYC apartment?
Yessir, the new Chris Hansen is in a real first-class financial pickle. It’s an unfortunate turn of events, but there’s one thing they’ll never take away from me: I’m Chris Hansen.
WIBC hosts The Chicks on the Right have further details on Chris Hansen in the clip below.
*Please note that the author of this piece is neither the old Chris Hansen nor the new Chris Hansen. In fact, he doesn’t even look like Chris Hansen. We reached out to the real Chris Hansen, but his phone has been disconnected.