Bossy woman in swimsuit holding rubber ring, wearing hygienic face mask and gloves to prevent contagious coronavirus on resort beach, pointing finger choosing you, summer with covid-19. isolated
Erica, a Proud Member of the Liberal Lifeguard Mask Enforcement Brigade Shames a Group of Children for Not Wearing Their Masks in the Pool.

Gargantuan Gobs of Government Bull Crap: The Aquatic Mask Mandate Edition

Indiana Governor Eric Holcomb knows a thing or two about masks:

  1. Everyone in the State of Indiana must wear one at all times or mankind will become extinct within the week.
  2. Everyone means EVERYONE – NO EXCEPTIONSGovernor Eric Holcomb fails to wear a mask, ignores social distancing rules at Brown County area restaurant.
  3. Masks must be worn while in public, in public spaces, and when thinking about public spaces – even if you’re thinking about those public spaces while located in a private space. WE CAN’T TAKE CHANCES!

  4. Law-abiding citizens cannot be relied upon to respect others and protect themselves. Therefore, it is necessary to impose a mask mandate via executive order.
  5. That mandate must be wholly unenforceable and include no penalties whatsoever for violating said mandate.
  6. Cher was awesome in the film, but it was really sad when Eric Stoltz died at the end. Hindsight being 2020, we now know that his character, “Rocky Dennis,” most likely died from exposure to COVID-19.
  7. Public places include public pools at public schools, which means children on a swim team must wear masks AT ALL TIMES that they are in the vicinity of a highly-chlorinated pool – except when they are IN the actual pool. Under those circumstances, the child is to remove the mask and place it on the ground… or wherever. However, once the child emerges FROM the pool, said child must put their mask BACK on their face and breathe in the pleasing and healing aromas of bacteria and foot fungus that have taken up residence on their cloth face covering.
  8. Masks aren’t required when rioting, taking a dump in front of the City Market or enjoying a relaxing afternoon of shooting up heroin on Monument Circle.Homeless People Enjoy a Relaxing Afternoon of Heroin and Public Defecation on Monument Circle.
  9. Masks mean you can get away with not shaving or brushing your teeth before work in the morning!
  10. The Chicks on the Right refuse to adhere to my stupid mask mandate and they ripped me to shreds in the clip below.

Photo: Khosrork/Getty Images


Related Articles