Ari's Movie Review

Blog > The Hammer and Nigel Show > Ari's Movie Review > Putting the Ass In Assassins Creed- A Movie Review

Putting the Ass In Assassins Creed- A Movie Review

Photo Credit-John Lamparski


Alright so I decided to give the movie Assassins Creed a try. I played the video game when I was in college and loved it. I’m aware of the film industry’s long history of turning good video games into terrible movies (example: every single video game based movie ever) but I’m optimistic because it seems like it has a good cast. So I download the movie off the internet (don’t tell the FBI) and get it going.

First scene starts in Spain in like 1600 and it’s all in Spanish. I’m slightly annoyed already because the download I used has freaking Korean subtitles and I sure as hell don’t speak Korean. I did take Spanish in high school, but they're speaking about a million miles an hour, so I may be getting every 5th word.

Meanwhile, my stupid cat is at my feet crying because he wants some pain meds because  he tore his ACL like a month ago because he’s too fat.

So to paint you a picture here- I’m watching this movie I can’t understand because I don’t speak Spanish nor Korean, my cat is jonesing for some pills and I’m about 2 seconds away from just bailing.

Thankfully, that scene ends and the movie is now in English. I’m hoping that first scene wasn’t too important. OK, so we see this kid coming home to find that his father has murdered his mother. He’s understandably upset and proceeds to run away, but then the cops start chasing him for some reason. He ends up getting captured and next thing you know; it’s 30 years later we see him getting a lethal injection on death row. Seems like a lot of important and relevant information was omitted.

So I’m already not really feeling this movie, but thankfully my cat has stopped crying so things are looking up.

That single moment of solitude quickly ends when the movie completely shuts down. Apparently the version I downloaded was corrupted so the movie’s over for me.

I end up going to Wikipedia to read the synopsis of what ends up happening in the movie. It didn’t really seem like I missed anything good because everyone on the internet just castrated this movie. I’d give the first 7 minutes it a 2/10. That’s all till next week. I’m going to go give my cat another pain pill. 

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