The Hammer and Nigel Show
Bride: "I Took a Really Big Dump Before I Came Down The Aisle."
(Screen Capture: YouTube.com/YourMorning)
It's the most wonderful day of your life. There you stand at the altar, dressed in a discount rented tux, tears welling in your eyes.
Suddenly, you hear the first few notes of “Canon in D,” and as your best man gives you a wink, you turn to see your beautiful bride as she gracefully glides down the aisle.
You meet her gaze as you take her hand and gently whisper, "You look amazing."
She smiles as she pulls you close, opens those kissable lips or hers, and proceeds to unwittingly inform all 300 guests in attendance that she just finished busting a grumpy that would test a gorilla's gag reflex.
Don't get me wrong, there's something special about firing off your last few bum slugs as a single woman, but advising a room full of guests that you just deployed the USS Brownfish before heading down the wedding aisle is completely classless. No one likes a show-off, and bragging about the size of the underwater log cabin you just built is unacceptable.
So you laid some wolf bait! So what? You think you're the first person in the history of mankind to successfully negotiate the release of some chocolate hostages?
So you just got done growing a monkey tail! Big whoop! Every guest in that room is accomplished in the art of churning dookey butter.
Yeah, you took the Browns to the Super Bowl on your wedding day. Reality check: there's not a man, woman, or child alive that hasn't sent an offering to the porcelain God via their personal double-door bakery. So shut up about how you just drowned a baby otter.
It's your wedding day, damn it, and the entirety of your focus should be on your husband-to-be - NOT Ronald McBlumpkin!
So stop talking about the rolling brownout you just witnessed and say your vows! You can tell your man about the mud rocket you just fired off after the reception. Hell, for all you know, he might have planted a little corn before the wedding himself!
Anyway, there's a new video that’s making the rounds online, featuring a bride who was unaware of the fact that her groom was wearing a microphone during their wedding.
During a tender moment at the altar, the groom tells her she looks “amazing,” to which she replies with, “I took a really big dump right before I came down the aisle."
Have a gander for yourself:
So much for romance. Good to know she made room for the meal at the reception though.
Hammer and Nigel have more commentary on the pooping bride in today's edition of "Is This Anything?"