The Hammer and Nigel Show
Please RISE for a Patriotic Message from Jason Hammer
(Nick Valinote / Contributor / Getty Images)
My Fellow Americans:
A crisis is on the horizon; a vicious and unGodly attack on the American male's very way of life; an invasion of uptight, PC-infused, boob-less bull crap!
This family-friendly enemy comes in the form of bland, fully-clothed, flat-chested waitresses with less sex appeal than a gyrating Nancy Pelosi.
Thy enemy's name: 'Hoots.'
"What the hell is 'Hoots'?" you may ask. Hoots is Hooters, minus the best part about dining in Hooters: hot, scantily clad babes.
Here's what the traitors at the Today Show say about 'Hoots':
America’s most famous breastaurant chain is now under new leadership and the eatery's current owners have a very family-oriented vision for the company’s future.
That future includes expanding offerings that will likely make the brand more appealing to customers of all ages — and their parents.
Of COURSE the "sexually enlightened" wimps at The Today Show want Hooters to "evolve." They're still fighting off lawsuits from that whole Matt Lauer sex scandal.
Fortunately, Jason Hammer of the Hammer and Nigel show is bravely fighting back on the behalf of all American males. He put forth the following courageous declaration Thursday afternoon:
"I believe in Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And part of the happiness means tattoo'd single moms with big cans bringing me chicken wings and beer.
When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one group of people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, that's when we return to Hooters. That's where a man can enjoy a cold beer, deep-fried pickles, and all the hot sauces that wings could possibly have, all in the company of women in short-shorts with daddy issues.
So as an American, I refuse to allow this tyranny to bring me down. I will not stand for Hoots; I will not tolerate Hoots, because I believe in the spirit of America. And I believe in these United States of America..."
Take heed, fellow American patriots!
In conclusion: #MeToo has gone #FarEnough. Quit #F-ingUp #EverythingGoodAboutBeingMale
Also, click below to hear Jason Hammer's full and emotionally-poignant pledge to stand for American values.