Why Women's Breasts Make Them Less Likely to Survive a Traumatic Injury


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Why Women's Breasts Make Them Less Likely to Survive a Traumatic Injury

Boobless CPR Dolls to Blame, Say Experts

(picture alliance / Contributor / Getty Images)

Bad news, ladies: Your lovely lady lumps could be the death of you! Yes, in this ever-evolving and socially-conscious world of #MeToo, sporting boobies - ANY boobies - makes you less likely to receive life-saving aid in an emergency.

Here's the deal: because CPR is traditionally taught on lifeless, non gender-specific dolls without boobies, your average amateur status CPR-giving weekend warrior might not know how to provide aid to women in dire circumstances. Is it inappropriate to touch their boobies? Does it count as sexual assault?

The 2018 American Heart Association’s Resuscitation Science Symposium found that women are 27% less likely to receive CPR in an emergency because of the misconception that boobies make it “more challenging” to perform the procedure with non pornographic precision, as well as worries about inappropriate touching.

One would naturally assume that the inclusion of a simple "don't worry about touching her boobies in an effort to save her life" statement in the CPR manual would be sufficient to alleviate concerns. One's assumption would be wrong, however, as this is a time in history when Ashley Judd and Alyssa Milano exist. 

Ah, but take heart, ladies. Before you go through the hassle of having your boobies surgically removed, cutting your hair, buying a pair of Doc Martens, and changing your name to "Pat" in an effort to up your chances of surviving a life-threatening emergency, know that there is hope on the horizon!

A company called "Womanikin" is putting artificial, yet surprisingly life-like boobies on CPR mannequins! According to the makers of these scientifically-tested breakthrough boobies, retrofit boobie enhancements for flat-chested mannequins will help to combat the disparity between genders who receive CPR from strangers in an emergency.

Facts You Can Use: This revolutionary product is a fabric sleeve with life-like, artificial boobies that slip over traditional flat-chested CPR mannequins. And because they can be removed with relative ease, the product doubles as a beauty enhancement aid for flat-chested, single gals who are out on the prowl.

Yes, the fine people of Womanikin dream of a day when all flat-chested CPR mannequins will be free to enjoy the benefits of on-demand boobies enhancement. #BoobiesToo #MyCPRDollGenderMyChoice #FreeTheCPRNipple

Also: Boobies! Boobies! Boobies!

Hammer and Nigel discussed this stunning breakthrough in CPR Boobie Enhancement on Friday's show. Click below to check it out!

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