All women at one time or another have endured the emotional obliteration and shame of their man failing to notice a fresh haircut, new dress, or breast augmentation.
“Why didn’t he say something?” she thinks to herself. “Am I invisible? Have I lost my sex appeal? Is he seeing someone else?”
The traumatic and painful thoughts swirl round and round in her head until she finally arrives at the only logical explanation: “He’s probably gay.”
Well, take heart gals, because now there’s an all-new cosmetic procedure available that is so blatant, so obvious, so visually horrifying that your man is guaranteed to notice!
Please Note: All guarantees are subject to the patient’s survival for the first 30 days after surgery. Those who commit suicide immediately following the procedure shall not be entitled to refunds.
What is this magnificent advancement in the world of cosmetic surgery? It’s called “Mega Jumbo-Sized Cheek Enhancement,” available now at the nation’s only fully-mobile plastic surgery clinic: “Hammer and Nigel’s Discount Pump and Cut” (license pending).
Check out one of our mostly-satisfied customers, Anastasia Pokreshchuk, 30, from Kiev, Ukraine!
Anastasia got her first fillers at another clinic when she was just 26! But thanks to poor judgment, low self-esteem, and a desperate need for attention, Pokreschchuk has vowed to do more – MUCH more!
“You may think that they are too big but I think that they’re a little bit small,” Pokreschchuk recently told online tabloid The Sun. “I need to refresh them again soon.”
Pokreschchuk, an Instagram model, told us she spent more than $2,000 on cheek fillers before discovering “Hammer and Nigel’s Discount Pump and Cut.” What a rip off!
Why pay thousands of dollars for cosmetic cheek enhancements plus parking fees at a reputable and fully-licensed clinic when you can get ‘sort of’ the same look at “Hammer and Nigel’s Discount Pump and Cut” for the cost of a 6-pack?
Plus, there’s no need to travel! we’ll bring our windowless van straight to you!
And because Hammer and Nigel are deeply committed to the environment and reducing our carbon footprint, we’ve recently added carpool service to our list of options as well!
We’ll fix your face and drop your ass off wherever you like, fully conscious and ON TIME – even in rush hour traffic! If that means blowing through some school crosswalks and cutting through a couple of backyards to do it, we will!
So trust “Hammer and Nigel’s Discount Pump and Cut” for all your “Mega Jumbo-Sized Cheek Enhancement” a carpool needs! One commute with us and we promise your man will exclaim, “Holy crap! Did you get stung by a bunch of bees or something?”
At “Hammer and Nigel’s Discount Pump and Cut” cosmetic services, we live by the same credo as President Trump: “Go Big or Go Home!”
Call us today for a free quote at the WIBC studios from 3pm-7pm during our show ONLY. Chad Benson is on after that, and he doesn’t know squat about plastic surgery.