a house key lies under a welcome mat.
Homeowner keeps a key under his welcome mat for thieves. (Photo: Jupiter Images/Getty Images)

H&N’s Unhelpful and Completely Impractical Tips to Avoid Becoming the Victim of Home Burglary

According to the latest FBI Uniform Crime Reporting Statistics on property crime rates, There are roughly 2.5 million burglaries in America each year, 66% of which are home break-ins.

Fact: There are 1,495,790 burglaries during the day each year. Break-ins are 6% more likely to occur during the day between 6 am and 6 pm while people are at work or running errands.

H&N Pro-Tip: Work from home and never leave the safety of your dwelling for anything less than a raging house fire. This will also protect you from contracting the Coronavirus by socially isolating you from all of humanity

It is important to remember, however, that if you die of a sudden health emergency or suffer a critical injury, no one is likely to notice, nor will anyone contact the proper authorities for a welfare check until well after your corpse has begun to rot. By the time they find you, your decomposed head will be permanently stuck to the carpet. Therefore, it is absolutely essential that you set aside adequate funds for the makeup artists at your local mortuary to transform your former face into something somewhat presentable and “funeral ready.”

Fact: 1,324,090 annual burglaries occur at night. The cover of night provides security for intruders while increasing the odds that you’ll be home when the burglary occurs.

H&N Pro-Tip: Avoid sleeping at night or sleep in rotating shifts like the Navy Seals. During your “awake and on-duty” time, sit calmly at the top of your staircase with an AR-15 draped across your lap. Fire indiscriminately in the general direction of any and all sounds or movements you detect. It’s far better to lose a few beloved pets to “friendly fire” than to risk becoming the victim of a crime.

Fact: Snow and cold are a significant deterrent to would-be burglars.

H&N Pro-Tip: Sell your home and move to a region of the country in which the average annual outdoor temperature is below freezing. Always keep your indoor thermostat at a comfortable 45 degrees Fahrenheit.

Consider purchasing an artificial snow machine for indoor use. Your kids will love the fun of indoor sledding and you’ll enjoy the peace of mind that comes with knowing your IKEA furniture and discount consumer electronics are protected against would-be thieves.

Fact: Homes without a security system are 300% more likely to be burglarized.

H&N Pro-Tip: This “fact” has sold more overpriced alarm systems to paranoid homeowners in America than any other crime statistic. On a budget? Buy the stickers and yard signs and skip the cost of a full security system install. For added safety, tell your friends, family, neighbors, and every single random stranger you make eye-contact with when in public that you “own a gun” and have “lots of ammunition,” even if you don’t.

Fact: 95% of all home invasions require some sort of forceful entry, be that breaking a window, picking a lock, or kicking in a door.

H&N Pro-Tip: Use thick layers of concrete to seal-off any and all points of entry into your home with the exception of a medium-sized doggy door. For added security, booby trap that door with crude, homemade explosives that can only be dismantled via an overly-complex and hard-to-remember series of steps that cannot be completed in less than an hour.

Please Note: Properly plan for the event of an unexpected house fire by taking steps to ensure that they’re most likely to occur in an area of the home that is as far away from your only viable point of exit as possible.

Unique Scenarios to Consider:

Some homeowners are interested in something much more substantial than simply protecting their family and valuable “Precious Moments” figurines against desperate criminals.

Perhaps, for example, you’re interested in guarding your home against unwanted intruders while simultaneously pissing them off? If so, friend, Hammer and Nigel are here to help!

The 5 Most Obvious Places a Burglar Will Look for Your Spare Key:

  1. Under your welcome mat.
  2. Under a flower pot near the front door.
  3. Inside a poorly placed fake rock.
  4. Above the door frame.
  5. Your wallet.

H&N Pro-Tip: Put jumbo-sized plastic keys that are made for toddlers in all five of those places.

Helpful Suggestion: Keep the actual spare key to your home in your anal cavity. The intense physical discomfort you experience will be unbearable, but it’s really the only sensible way to ensure your spare key remains in your possession at all times.

Additional Consideration:

Want to get back at your inconsiderate neighbor who never mows his grass, borrows your tools without returning them, and frequently allows his dog to crap in your yard?

H&N Pro-Tip: Acquire the spare key to your neighbor’s home by whatever means necessary, make multiple copies of it, and place THAT key under your doormat instead. Attach a note that tells thieves what time your neighbor leaves for work in the morning and when he generally returns home in the evening.

Continuing Education: Click the link below for more Hammer and Nigel Pro-Tips for Home Security.”

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