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Operation Warp Speed was impressive as heck. We developed a Coronavirus vaccine in less than a year, people – 10 months to be exact.

So how can the same country that developed, approved, and began to distribute a life-saving vaccine in under a year not manage to deliver a package that was mailed in Louisville, KY  to Indianapolis, IN in less than two weeks?

Yes, it’s Christmastime in these proud United States of America, and once again, the USPS is unable to deliver your packages, letters, and cards on time. It happens every year. It’s an annual tradition in fact!

Your bills are still on time, you understand – just none of the good stuff that you’re actually anxious to receive.

Look, I get that the USPS is experiencing “unprecedented volume increases” and it’s short on employees due to the pandemic. I’m sensitive to that. The question is this: “Do you think my wife is going to buy that excuse on Friday morning?” I assure you she will not.

Do you know what’s going to happen to me on Christmas morning? My wife is going to give me the perfect gift – probably two of them – and then wait for me to prove that I’m not the absent-minded, anniversary-forgetting moron that she thinks I am. Do you really expect me to get away with the old “Sorry, honey, the USPS is experiencing unprecedented volume” excuse?

I’m sorry, but I just don’t understand how it takes more than 10 days to send a package less than 120 miles. I could strap that thing to my stomach and crabwalk it that distance in under a week.

When did the “Forever Stamp” become a delivery estimate?

“Unprecedented volume increases?” Yeah, there will definitely be a few wives demonstrating that achievement as they scream their soon-to-be-former husbands into a coma on Christmas morning.

Thanks a lot, USPS. The paperwork from my wife’s divorce lawyer will probably show up before her gift.

Merry Christmas, postal workers. I’m a dead man.