The friendly safety experts at “Snow Removal Hacks & Tricks” remind you to take the proper safety precautions before utilizing a military-grade flame thrower to clear ice & snow from your driveway this winter.
Yes, clearing snow accumulation from your property with a massive stream of fire is great fun for the kids, but responsible owners of flame-throwers have a duty to uphold the established standards and respectable reputation of flame-throwing hobbyists and enthusiasts everywhere.
Always Follow These Important Steps Prior to Coating Your Driveway with a Cozy 1112-1800° Fahrenheit Flame:
- Check your HOA bylaws to ensure snow removal by flame-thrower is permitted.
- Ensure you have enough fuel to clear ALL snow from the desired area. A half-cleared driveway looks tacky and diminishes curb appeal.
- Place all beloved pets and visiting relatives inside the home to minimize risk of an unintended and PURELY ACCIDENTAL agonizing death by fire.
- Remove vehicles prior to engulfing the driveway in flames as most insurance carriers stubbornly refuse to cover damages suffered as a result of intentionally spraying your property with massive amounts of fire.
- Ensure your mailbox post is made of a non-flammable material that can withstand the punishing temperatures generated as a result of lots and lots and lots and lots of fire.
- Never allow children under the age of five to operate flame-thrower without proper adult supervision.
- Never consume alcoholic beverages while “fire plowing” as the safe and steady operation of most flame throwers requires two hands to ensure proper control. Do your drinking before and after embarking on fire-assisted home improvement projects.
- Work the flames in a slow, deliberate, and steady pattern to maximize efficiency and clear the driveway in a single pass. By doing so, you will reduce the amount of fuel required to complete the job. That means it will be easier on your pocketbook, plus, it’s good for the environment.
- Properly warn neighbors, family, and looky-loos prior to engagement of flames by yelling, “Hey y’all! Watch this!”
— Chad Felix Greene (@chadfelixg) December 25, 2020
Men, Please Note: Proper etiquette dictates that you should never use a flame-thrower to write your name in the snow. God gave you a tallywacker for a reason, so try using it for something other than disappointing your wife.