Hundred of Tootsie Roll candies sits in a pile for sorting
The "Tootsie Roll" is God's punishment to mankind (Photo: Victor Spinelli / Contributor)

Halloween: A Brief and Completely Unreliable History of Its Origins

Ah, Halloween: That ghoulishly festive celebration of the autumn season in which candy rains down like manna from Heaven.

But how did it all begin? Who invented Halloween?

Halloween’s origins date back to the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain.

The Celts celebrated their new year on November 1st, and October 31st marked the end of summer and the beginning of the harsh, cold winter – a time of year when a lot of people died (most likely of the Coronavirus).

The fun-loving Celts who lived LONG before universal healthcare was declared by liberal politicians to be a “human right,” believed that the night before the new year was a time when the ghosts of the dead returned to earth to “get their spook on.”

I’ll bet you had no idea how Halloween got started, did you? I can confidently make that assumption about your lack of knowledge regarding the origins of Halloween because I didn’t know either until I Googled it about five minutes ago.

So how did Halloween go from a Celtic festival to a day when kids dress up in costumes and go door-to-door asking for free candy? I don’t know, I didn’t read that far on Wikipedia.

The bottom line is this: kids love Halloween. LOVE IT!

Want proof? Ask any random child in America to tell you their favorite holiday of the year. You know what they’ll say? Christmas (unless they’re Jewish). But Halloween will definitely be in their “top 5.”

As for me, Halloween is my favorite. Of course, I grew up in an era in which Halloween masks weren’t required to be CDC-approved and kids went door-to-door for their candy instead of trunk-to-trunk at their local church. That’s right, millennials. We older folks actually had to put forth a little effort to collect our candy.

Speaking of candy, there were two types of houses in our neighborhood that became notorious for their deviant, Halloween-ruining ways:

  1. The houses that gave out toothbrushes.
  2. The houses that gave out Tootsie Rolls.

Giving out toothbrushes is just BEGGING for trouble. You might as well say, “Hi kids! Will you please throw eggs in my face and TP my house?”

Seriously, what kind of sick, sadistic person hands out toothbrushes on Halloween? I’ll tell you who: the kind of people whose children no longer speak to them as adults.

On the other hand, Tootsie Rolls I actually get. It’s a strategic defense move by homeowners who don’t want to deal with random kids ringing their doorbell all night, but they also know that turning off the lights in the house is as risky a move as handing out toothbrushes. The solution? Tootsie Rolls.

Yes, the people who pass out these candies that look like rabbit turds KNOW kids hate Tootsie Rolls because they hate them too. Sure, it takes a couple of years, but once word gets around that you’re the “Tootsie Roll house,” the kids quit bugging you.

There are, however, a few random people in this world who actually enjoy eating Tootsie Rolls. These are generally people with low self-esteem who think they don’t deserve a decent candy to chew.

And then there’s Tony Katz’s mom. Tony’s mom is awesome and she clearly knows that she deserves the very best in life because she votes for Republicans. So what’s with her love of Tootsie Rolls?

WIBC host Tony Katz asked his mom to explain herself on this morning’s show. Click below to listen.

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