Indianapolis restaurants will be permitted by His Excellency, Joe Hogsett to resume outdoor dining today, Friday, May 22, in the two-thousand-twentieth year of our Lord (aka Joe Hogsett)
Hail Him! Hail Him! Highest Mayor in the land!
Hail Him this instant or we’ll have you executed on Monument Circle – and we’ll use your government stimulus check to cover the costs for crowd control.
And by the way, spectating science deniers, WEAR A MASK! Fail to comply and we’ll march you up to the gallows as well – a double feature!
At the conclusion of the deadly festivities of fun, citizens will then be permitted to dine at any number of the tremendous restaurants in the downtown Indianapolis area.
In an effort to provide ease of pedestrian movement throughout the downtown area while simultaneously increasing your odds of getting mowed down by a Lime Scooter or stepping in homeless feces, His Excellency has deemed it appropriate to close down five sections of streets in downtown Indianapolis to give restaurants – the ones who survived the shutdown – more space for outdoor dining.
“Hooray!” shouted the people. “Let us dine on city streets in a joyous celebration of this grand gesture on His Excellency’s behalf.
And, of course, in the event there is an unfortunate random shooting in the area due to His Excellency’s failure to get a handle on homicides in the city, RUN NORTH!
But Hark! Not every business is on board with the benevolent closures of Sire’s selected streets for the benefit of the peoples, and those disobedient citizens have bravely chosen to express their rage at the Palace on West Washington Street in an open letter of defiance, saying in part:
“A significant group of stakeholders (merchants, non-profits, restaurateurs, building owners, residents, etc…) are opposed to the closure of Massachusetts Avenue which we’ve abruptly learned about on the evening news.
“Until an open-invite meeting with an agenda focused on public feedback can be held, all plans to close Mass Ave should immediately be halted.
“While trying to navigate the ever-changing environment spawned by this pandemic, we’re now confronted with a new challenge – the lifeblood of our local economy is being arbitrarily closed with no input or regard for the people it will impact. Most of us have been blindsided by the news and think this may be the fatal blow to our struggling neighborhood and businesses.
“Among our main concerns is virus proliferation. Funneling the City’s population to Mass Ave for what will be, in essence, a “street-fair” (with alcohol) after 3 months of quarantine is a recipe for disaster. Some restaurants have expressed concerns about managing CDC guidelines, even more so when demand is high and tables and guests are strewn all over the street. Other restaurants that lack outdoor seating and desire expansion can use adjacent parking spaces, as seen elsewhere along Mass, without closing the entire street indefinitely.
“Other concerns include access for delivery drivers and carryout, package deliveries, food and beverage deliveries, visitor parking, residential and commercial building access, customer access, street cleaning and sanitation, inclement and severe weather, security and public safety, etc…”
Prepare the gallows for execution!
Also, listen to Sir Tony Katz offer his take on this matter in the clip below.
https://omny.fm/shows/tony-katz-and-the-morning-news/mass-avenue-businesses-write-letter-to-hogsett
