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You’re Stopping Traffic Because You Look So Good In Running Shorts

The 500 Festival Mini-Marathon Is This Weekend. Here Are The Street Closures

I, @MattINTraffic, am participating in the OneAmerica 500 Fesitval Mini-Marathon this weekend... by sitting in a lawn chair at Military Park and cheering you on. The apartment elevator is broken again, and I'm getting all the exercise I need by climbing a couple of flights of stairs.  

You see, a long time ago, I ran a mini near Community North Hospital hospital.  It was October, and cold, and I don't do anything in cold weather.  So while all of the other real runners were decked out in tank tops and speedos, I showed up looking like the Unabomber - complete with aviators, beard, and a pair of sweat pants made from wool, sheep skin, and rubber. 

Instead of pacing myself, I tried to keep up with my sister’s friend, who was fast and an accountant or someone really rich like that.  Around mile nine, I ate some paste I found in my sweat pants, yakked in the woods, and finished the race while foaming at the mouth like a ravenous dog.  I might have had a big boy accident, come to think of it.

I later napped at my sister’s in Zionsville - or maybe Castleton - then went to an after party and yakked again.  There was someone named Rachel, and she was an actress with blond her.  Never hooked up with the girl runner with all that money, but I did watch Clueless on TNT Sunday, which makes the whole thing a total push - even though it was already half way over.  

Point of this blog?  Don’t trust my sister or her friends.  My whole life could have been different.  I could have been writing this from Merrillvillle Denny’s after finishing my dissertation for Valpo law review on Indiana’s liquor laws - which were antiquated even something like thirty years ago.  Seriously, why can’t marathoners buy a beer from a liquor store during a long Sunday race?  You want nine bottles of Cuervo?  Hit up the CVS the other six days a week, throw in some Ibuprofen, toilet paper, a box of prophylactics, and a cardboard pizza.  The check-out person will think you’re a real hoot and down to party.  Don’t use the u-scan, coward.


Anyway, downtown road closures for the mini:


(This would be an awesome IRL road course)





(When you kiss the bricks, use a first date kiss. More sanitary)


Thanks for reading and following @WIBCTraffic, and thanks for your tips at (317) 684-8134. Maybe we can watch Mean Girls together sometime. Or Gladiator.

Until then, safe travels.



(Photo Credit: Thinkstock / istock)

Matthew Bair is an inspiring safe driver and the new voice of Indianapolis traffic. Follow him on Twitter at @WIBCTraffic or his personal account @MattINTraffic. They finally gave him a phone, so call in any tips at (317) 684-8134.  

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