When Vladimir Putin drops a load, Russian bodyguards are there to catch it.
A very important report reveals that Putin’s Federal Protection Service members excitedly collect their proud president’s precious bodily waste and place it in ziplock baggies – presumably to preserve freshness.
This in and of itself is not necessarily shocking. Most mentally stable persons enjoy collecting souvenirs related to their celebrity heroes.
But the collection of Putin’s poopies actually has a more practical purpose, according to Russian intelligence experts: medical privacy.
You see, Vladimir Putin is rumored to be suffering from dementia, possibly cancer, or maybe Parkinson’s disease. Or, God willing, he’s suffering from all three!
Therefore, it is essential that when Putin bombs the bowl, protective service agents collect his fibrous fecal deposits to prevent adversaries from obtaining it for analysis.
Investigative journalists Regis Gente and Mikhail Rubin say “Operation Putin Poo Collectionn” was part of the Russian President’s visit to France in 2017 and Saudi Arabia in 2019. During those trips, Putin either had a private toilet brought along with him or was accompanied to the bathroom by several guards turned collection specialists.
In addition, Putin was spotted going to the toilet with six bodyguards while at a Ukraine 2019 summit in Paris, suggesting the Russian President’s generous bowel movements require the strength of many men to safely transport once deposited.
Hot Tip For Manual Defecation Removal And Transport: Lift with your knees.
Kendall & Casey have more details on this important story in the clip below.
https://omny.fm/shows/kendall-and-casey/putins-bodyguards-collect-his-business-to-make-sur
