(Screen Capture: Live Leak)
It’s time once again for another exciting edition of “Fast-Food Fisticuffs” with Hammer and Nigel!
This week, we take you to the fine state of Iowa, where obese coupon-wielding lovers of fast-food take none too kindly to paying full price for delicious, flame-broiled empty calories.
OUR ANTI-HERO: Jeremiah Wenzel, 34, grotesquely overweight, and a prime candidate for an early heart attack.
Carnival workers estimate Wenzel’s weight at a trim 270 lbs. with a cholesterol count of 680.
Despite his size and tendency to become short of breath while walking to the refrigerator in his studio apartment, the morbidly obese Wenzel can hop a counter and start swinging with the best of them when he gets a craving for a Double Whopper with Fries! In fact, Wenzel broke out the ‘Kung-Fatty-Fu’ countertop ‘Hop N’ Punch’ routine just this week!
Police arrested the rubbery-blubbery Wenzel for assault and causing bodily injury following a January 15 display of his ‘Fast & Furious Fatty Fists’ at a Burger King in Cedar Rapids.
A Cedar Rapids Police Department spokesperson told The Smoking Gun that ‘Wide-Load Wenzel’ allegedly “attempted to use a coupon but the store didn’t honor it. That’s when the 34-year-old ‘Burger Lovin’ Big Butt’ threw HIS MOTHER’S phone at the cashier.
Needless to say, ‘Wenzel the Waddling White Trash Whack Job with a Weight Problem,’ got himself severely reprimanded by his Ma.
“You threw your phone at him?” Ma Wenzel asked her obese offspring. “My phone? You dumbass, that’s my phone!”
It was at this point that old “Requires Assistance When Wiping Wenzel” climbed over the counter to retrieve the phone. When the Burger King worker demanded that the ‘Frisch’s Fat Ass’ leave, Wenzel, the ‘Large and in Charge Fleshy Lard Barge’ struck the worker over the head with his ma’s phone.
Let that be a lesson to you! Don’t screw with fat-ass fast-food fanatics in Iowa. They’ll beat your ass to a pulp and then enjoy a hot apple pie without the slightest bit of remorse.
And once again, it bears repeating: this crap doesn’t happen at Chick-Fil-A.
Hammer and Nigel have additional commentary in today’s edition of “Is This Anything?”